Jason Garnett is a local comedian and philosopher. He started coming into SMASH so we gave him something to do.

I love, as I am sure you do too, that despite amazing advancements in science and technology (ie. RonCo’s Food Dehydrator) and huge and unprecedented steps in societal evolution and enlightenment (see 1st black prez and legal gay marriage in Iowa) that as per one of past few weeks’ top news stories, we are fighting f@#%ing pirates on the ocean. Pirates!!

And no, these are (Rrrr!) not your father’s Pirate of the Penzance. Gone is the whimsical swashbuckling of pirates past. Eye patches and parrots have been replaced with gawdy, old-lady-from-Florida sunglasses and thrift shop tank tops (some of the camo tanks have that homoerotic look that you only get from D&G, FCUK or any UFC associated clothing. Even better, I saw a picture of a Somali pirate on the news in which he was wearing what I believed it to be a “Kotex” tank top. I’m sure this made its way to Africa by way of a clothing drive from Galliton, Missouri with the flawed thinking that an American male would never wear a tank top advertising a feminine hygiene product.) Goodbye swords and wooden legs. Hello AK47s and Nikes.

If that isn’t disappointing enough, these pirates are Muslim. Translated: there’s no rum. Pirates without rum is like all Captain and no Crunch. On top of that, these pirates are….wait for it…wait for it…black. There may have been a small history of black pirates, but the only one I remember is Bobby Bonilla from Pittsburgh.

In all seriousness, I haven’t been this worked up about piracy since my college roommate illegally downloaded “She Bangs” by Ricky Martin from Napster in 2001. Nothing irks hard working Americans more than the blatant stealing of other’s property. Wait a second…Why does that sound familiar? Oh…sorry Indians and music industry (Sadly, without question more U.S. citizens experience guilt over stealing Tom Cochran’s “Life is a Highway” than stealing land from the Indians. Thankfully, we Americans have Casinos and Reservations to caress our guilty consciences back to sleep. Hold on…Somali casinos??…nevermind.).

Don’t look now, but these pesky pirates have hired famed Hollywood publicist, Libby Hook of Viking Public Relations to help them with their image. According to Hook, there is a long history romanticizing and turning unpopular individuals, even criminals into beloved cultural icons. She cites as examples: Bonnie & Clyde, Ted Kennedy and Che Guevara. “When I’m through with these pirates, they will make Che look like a big homo,” said Hook.

Disney has expressed some interest in the movie rights of these pirates. Not sure what they have in mind, but if George Clinton doesn’t play the father of the main character in Pirates of the Gulf of Aden, I am taking down my Johnny Depp and Orlando Bloom posters.
So, what is the answer to this riddle of the sea? For starters, an anti-pirate task force needs to be formed, possibly headed by Metallica’s Lars Ulrich. Then we need to figure out how to stop four men on dingies from hijacking huge tanker ships (really? If that sounds funny to you then, yes, the critical thinking part of your brain is working. What these pirates are accomplishing is quite amazing. It’s almost the equivalent of hijacking a semi while riding on a Segway with a slingshot. No, its actually worse than that.). I have heard talk of hiring security teams for ships or having all the world’s Navies escort ships. I have a better solution. Hire one guy per ship. His job: when the rope comes over the side of the ships, he waits a second and then he cuts it. Problem solved.

Until then, I urge citizens not only of the United States but of the world, to come together and boycott Long John Silver’s. Let’s unite and send a message to these savvy terror-inducing seamen. Until these puppies are hushed, let us refuse to “throw boring overboard”. Join me and just say, no to Lobster Bites, now available in the new tailpack.

Jason is a local delinquent who frequents SMASH. See him perform almost weekly at The Des Moines Social Club at the JG Faux Show.

I received this information in a forwarded email (thanks honeybunz69@aol.com) the other day and it gave me great concern. According to a statistics compiled by the Federal Organization of Nuturing and Development of Little-ones or F.O.N.D.L., an alarming trend has been discovered in regard to the safety and protection of children. Numerous studies indicate that a disproportionate amount of pedophiles prefer a certain article of clothing. Surprisingly, 92% of all pedophiles own and often wear t-shirts. These studies help to explain the popularity of t-shirt brands like “Big Johnson,” “No Fear,” and “Hyper Color.” (Come on–a t-shirt that changes color when you breathe heavily on it?!) If you’re like me, you immediately thought of people throughout your life that have owned and worn t-shirts and things began to make sense. My old gym teacher only wore t-shirts with his Bike brand coach’s shorts. The guy two houses down with the collection of trains and little shoes loved his t-shirts. My old youth pastor was proud of his Looney Toones t-shirts and was even rumored to have worn t-shirts beneath his silk dress shirts. At this point, curiosity is probably throbbing throughout that pretty head of yours as to what the remaining 8% percent prefer. They are as follows: 2.9% – mesh sleeveless shirts, 2.2% – clergy shirt with clerical collar, 1.7% nothing, .8% – Umbros sans underpants and .4% – Star Wars themed costume.

As a result of this troubling news, I am advising local retail clothiers to take certain precautions during a t-shirt transaction. I have devised a plan that features firm and rigid standards that a potential t-shirt customer must meet. The underlying theme or vein that runs through this plan is thoroughness. Retailers should always do the following at the beginning of any potential t-shirt sale:

1. Ask for ID and cross reference the National Sex Offender Registry
2. Examine customer and determine level of creepiness (this can be challenging, but try to imagine that weird uncle of yours and go from there or determine Bescemi-esque characteristics)
3. Determine level of NASCAR interest and/or Nickelback appreciation
4. Drop picture of younger attractive kid (ask a confirmed pervert for a short list of kids that do it for pederasts) onto the floor by cash register and gauge reaction. Increased heart rate and breathing is telltale sign.
5. Ask if they are Mormon
6. Have someone check their vehicle for rope, duct tape, rags, ether, puppies, Highlights magazine and candy. (No vehicle and riding the bus? Chances are you got a live one.)
7. Are there any comic books visible on person?
8. Is their name Carl or Gary?

This isn’t a be all and end all list, but it is at least a place to start. I urge everyone to be extremely cautious. Also, being careful to not jump to any conclusions is a must, especially when dealing with someone in, say, an Affliction t-shirt because poor taste does not a pervert make.

In an unrelated topic, I’m looking for a vintage ice cream truck with working music or bell. Thanks for your help.